Preparing a Lover's meal before sealing the deal

Throughout the ages, food has been the precursor to love making. The Dobe Ju/'Hoansi of the Botswanan bush treat their lovers to generous meals of delicately spiced meats and fragrant passionfruit nectars before taking their lovers. The peoples of Missouri wash down chili cheese dogs with Rockstars before 'gettin' laid in the pick-up'*. These patterns of success have inspired us to formulate a full-proof evening of love taking.

Lover's plan:

1. Buy a large vegan lentil mock meatloaf, and put it in the oven on maximum temperature

2. Leave loaf in oven until it burns through, and smoke fills the room (this will give you the opportunity to 'appear' from nebular fog)

3. Take off all clothes

4. Leave door slightly ajar, with a note saying, 'Come in, Lover'

Once your Lover arrives, you'll greet s/he with some disassociate chants, and lead s/he to the love nook. You'll want to skip the burnt lentil meal because let's face it, no one likes a gassy lover.

*Use of local language of the peoples